the f**k-you face.

4

A Turbulent Tramp: 15 Years, 6 Continents, Countless Questionable Decisions


The first time I traveled abroad completely independently, I was 18-years old. I arrived in Guatemala City, naïve and alone, an eternal optimist. Even the sketchiest of people would receive nothing but kindness from me… Most people in the world are good, right?

Wrong. Being nice and smiling at every old pervy sketch-ball that passes by will get you nowhere. Which is why upon arriving in Guatemala City at eighteen years of age, I went from eternal optimist to bitter, ferocious skeptic in under fifteen minutes.

Smiling like a naïve, silly girl will only land you into trouble. Your approachable demeanor will not only attract that hot dude with the Isro-fro at the hostel, but it will also welcome every gangster, pirate, mobster, and disgusting pedophile old ex-pat man into your personal space. Think about this logically: If you’re a rapist, are you going to go for the girl that looks like she’s going to get scrappy, or the one who looks like she’s distracted thinking about butterflies? I’m guessing the latter.

A Turbulent Tramp | Solo Female Traveler Advice | The Creepy Old Ex-Pat

And remember Broke Down Palace? If that young, beautiful Kate Beckinsale would have just thrown that charming Aussie her fuck-you face, she wouldn’t have ended up in Thai lesbian prison hell with a cockroach stuck in her ear.

If you’re a female solo traveler, I recommend you develop a fuck-you face. It’s easy to produce: First, think of something that’s pissed you off recently, like finding out that hot guy you met at the bar has his Alma-mata’s mascot tattooed on his thigh. Then, simply let your brow drop, turn your frown right-side down, and allow your eyes convey a hatred so intense, your opponent might believe you kill kittens. Strong, upright fist is an optional, yet effective, additional effect. The final result should be something like this:

A Turbulent Tramp | Solo Female Traveler Advice | Keep a Mean Face

If you’re doing it correctly, your opponent’s reaction should look something like this:

A Turbulent Tramp | Solo Femal Travel Adivce | Mean Face Reaction of Old Expat Man

If a man touches you, tries to rip you off, calls you “sweetheart” (gross), or cat-calls you, just throw him your fuck-you face. Sure, if he’s an old expat, he might call you a bitch, or that c-word we all love, but who cares? He’s probably been hanging out in Costa Rica for the past thirty years trying to escape pedophile charges back in the States, not because he’s into the local culture, and he was probably just trying to grab your tits anyways.

Always, ALWAYS assume the worst in people. It’s an excellent rule of thumb for avoiding trouble, and general all-around good advice for living life!

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