If you are living or traveling overseas, particularly in an obscure country or off the beaten path, chances are you are going to run into some Mormons.
I always wonder where the hell these guys come from. I only ever run into Mormons in the most obscure of places, like when I was rock climbing in Korea’s Seoraksan National Park. I was belaying my friend Colin and BAM! out of nowhere, two Mormons appeared. In the middle of a forest in Korea. Had they been hiding out behind a rock for three years waiting for two unsuspecting American rock climbers to come along? I can’t figure it out.
I was taking a look at some old travel photos the other day, and it’s actually concerning the number of off-the-beaten-path pictures I have that Mormons have sneaked into.
I’ve talked to a lot of other travelers that have had similar experiences, and they all have the same question: How do we avoid the Mormons? Well, I do have a few pieces of advice.
First off, if you encounter some of these traveling proselytizers, do not panic. Among the various traveling strange religious sects, Mormons are by far the most harmless. Regardless, one should not linger too long when approached by them.
Also, before you set off to travel, you should be able to identify Mormons quickly. Not sure what a Mormon looks like? They can be easily identified by their crisp, white button-down shirts that are clearly ironed by their wives, and slacks, regardless of temperature. Mormons always sport a sunny, unyielding smile, despite constant rejection of passersby, and boast a surprising ability to speak the local language, learned without the aid of liquor.
If, despite your efforts to avoid them, you are the unfortunate soul that gets cornered by a pair of Mormons while traveling overseas, stay calm. They rarely bite. Here are a few proven tactics you can use to escape them.
1. Attempt to make out with them.
This one works every time, ladies. If it is a boy Mormon past the age of 18, they are certainly either married or betrothed. If it is a girl Mormon, she will believe you to be one of the incontrovertible souls referred to as lesbians, and will focus her efforts elsewhere. In both cases, the Mormon will be scared and most likely run away.
If you’re a guy trying to avoid Mormons, you can also try this tactic, although I can’t promise girl Mormons won’t reciprocate.
2. Pretend you are Finnish.
No one speaks Finnish or even knows anything about Finland, not even Mormons. Claim you don’t speak English (only Finnish!) and eventually they will grow bored and go away.
3. Run in zig-zags until the Mormon grows tired.
Oh wait. That’s for escaping crocodiles. It might also work for Mormons.
4. Do not be fooled by fake Mormons.
Many travelers have come in contact with Mormons and have escaped unscathed. You can too if you follow the above advice.
Safe and happy travels!